


Race to the Top

by Dumb_Trash_Monster



Category: Parks and Recreation
Genre: Drunken Shenanigans, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-27
Updated: 2020-11-27
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:40:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27740908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dumb_Trash_Monster/pseuds/Dumb_Trash_Monster
Summary: Set during The Fight. Drunk Ron has an idea. This idea leads to an additional stop on the ride home. Silliness and shenanigans ensue.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	Race to the Top

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Mutual Frustration](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26637976) by [Sarcastic_Soulmate](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sarcastic_Soulmate/pseuds/Sarcastic_Soulmate). 



> This was written as part of Sarcastic_Soulmate's Mutual Frustration series. I wrote it, then edited it a bit to post it as a stand-alone. Thanks to Sarcastic_Soulmate for beta reading and inspiring this. 
> 
> This is kind of based off of the time in season two when Ron was drunk and asked if anyone wanted to see him climb a tree.

Donna isn’t about to let any of these fools throw up in her Benz. She is on high alert for any dry heaving, and she is going quickly to her next stop. Which isn't actually her mother’s butt, as Leslie suggested earlier; it’s Jerry’s house. 

She can hear them scheming back there. First she hears a fit of giggles from Ron, who then whispers something to Ben, who spreads the message to the people in the back seat. Jean Ralphio even leans over the back seat to say something to Tom, who’s in the trunk. Soon the whole car is laughing, and Donna has no clue why. 

“SHHH! SHH! Guys we gotta be quiet!” Leslie whispers as loudly as humanly possible.

“Right!” Ben loud-whispers in response before everything goes quiet. 

Donna wonders what this is all about, and she isn't sure that she likes it.

//

Ron waits until everyone has been silent for enough time to ease all suspicion. After a minute or two, Ron recognizes the street, and calculates the distance towards the group's real first destination. When it’s time, he subtly taps Ben’s hand, which is awkwardly placed on Ron’s knee. Ben then uses his other hand to reach towards the backseat and wave: the signal to commence. 

//

After the laughing fit comes a couple of minutes of silence. Then Donna hears a yell. 

“Oh my God! Andy!” April yells.

“Woah! Woah! Pull Over!” Leslie shouts.

Then Jean Ralphio and Ben yell something about pulling over at the same time. A mess of screams erupts from the back of the car, too garbled for Donna to make anything out, but the message is clear enough. She slows down and pulls over to the side of the road, coming to a stop near a huge tree.

“I swear, if one of you made a mess of my Mercedes, I will kick you!” Donna yells as she gets out of her seat and walks to the back of the car. She opens the door to see Leslie staring right at her. 

“Now!” Leslie loudly slurs.

Everything happens in a matter of seconds. She catches a glimpse of Ben leaning over to the wheel as Ron opens the passenger side door. Jean Ralphio opens his door. Everyone exits quickly, like a group of startled mice. Leslie darts past Donna to get out of the car. Ron and Ben stumble over each other to exit from the front seat. Tom slithers over the back seat and out of Jean Ralphio's door. Someone tugs Jerry off of the roof. He lands surprisingly gracefully. 

Before Donna knows what to do, she’s staring at an empty car. There’s not even any vomit. Of course, Donna isn't disappointed about the lack of vomit, but she is confused as to why she pulled over. 

Her confusion is put to rest after Jerry states that he has no idea what’s going on because he was strapped to the roof, and everyone else responds by drunkenly chanting, “CLIMB THE TREE! CLIMB THE TREE!”

“RACE TO THE TOOPP!!!” Ron yells after everyone else’s chants have subsided.

//

Tom reaches the bottom branches of the tree last. Except for Jerry that is. Jerry must've wandered off somewhere. 

Tom had been practically trampled on his way over to the big oak, but he isn't about to let that cost him this fifty cent bet. At least he thinks it’s fifty cents. Ron said everyone would give a nickel to the winner, and Tom has trouble remembering coin values sober. Of course he’s not gonna be able to remember and THEN multiply it by the number of people playing. He doesn’t even know how many people are playing. It’s everyone except Donna, but Tom doesn’t know how many that is.

Everyone but Tom had gotten winded on their brief sprint to the tree. Now they’re taking a quick breather before starting their climb. Tom doesn’t need breathers, he was too busy being stepped on to get winded on the run over to the tree. He decides to take advantage of his ability to move. 

Jean Ralphio is hunched over with his hands on his knees, so Tom tells him not to move. Tom puts one foot on Jean Ralphio's knee, and the other on the tree. Now, he’s up high enough to easily hoist himself onto the lowest branch. He lifts himself onto another branch before looking down. 

Everyone else is starting to move now. Leslie and Ron pull themselves onto low branches on the side of the tree opposite to Tom. They move with competitive vigor, and Ben follows. April stands precariously on Andy’s shoulders, using the tree’s trunk to steady herself. She hops onto a branch, and Andy lifts himself onto a lower one. 

Jean Ralphio stays behind for a moment to check everyone out problematically. He lets out an old fashioned whistle. Then, in an attempt to climb, he grabs Andy’s leg, pulling them both into a sprawling heap on the ground. 

“John Ralpho!” Andy whines as he slurs and grumbles.

“Sorry man!”

//

Donna stands near the base of the tree, watching this freakshow make their way to the top. Andy and Jean Ralphio appear to have given up, and hang upside down by their legs while chatting about popsicles.

Donna wishes that she could just drive away, but Ben, the sneaky little ferret, had swiped them when he was leaning towards the wheel earlier. 

//

Ben surveys his competition as he scales the tree. Tom is in the lead, but Ron is close behind him. Leslie has also made it further than Ben, but she appears to be slowing down. Ben pulls himself up to a branch even with her, and they pause for a breather. 

“Crazy night,” Leslie says woozily.

“Fun night,” Ben responds before slowly and almost incoherently elaborating, “We’ve got a tree race, and we’re durnk, and we’re here together, like one big drunk family.”

Leslie nods thoughtfully, then looks up. Ben follows her gaze to see Ron starting to eclipse Tom. From Ben’s angle, he can see Ron miss his targeted branch, instead grabbing onto Tom’s ankle. 

This causes Tom to lose his balance. He begins to fall from one branch to another. Even while drunk, Ben can see where Tom’s path leads. His eyes widen and he grabs Leslie by the shoulder. “Move! You gotta move!”

Leslie looks back to Ben, confused. “Wha? Move? Why?”

Before Ben can answer her question, Tom crashes into her. She yelps and joins Tom on his chaotic journey down the tree, passing April, Andy, and Jean Ralphio on the way. They land on the ground with a loud “OOF!”

April makes no move to help either Tom or Leslie, instead using Ben’s distracted state to pass him. Jean Ralphio and Andy swing off of their branch to hunch over Leslie and Tom. Ben Looks up at Ron and April, who are nearing the top of the tree, before deciding to scurry down to help Leslie. And Tom. He cares about Tom too. Kind of.

He reaches the ground to see Donna, Jean Ralphio, and Andy crowded around a pile. Upon closer inspection, this pile is Tom dramatically draped over Leslie. 

For an odd moment, Ben finds himself wishing that he had fallen out of the tree. Then he’d be in Tom’s position right now. 

He snaps out of it when Leslie starts to grumble and groan. “Get off. Tom. Move,” she says as she lightly whacks him. 

Tom doesn’t move. Ben realizes that Tom must be unconscious. He gestures to Andy and has him roll Tom off of Leslie. Jean Ralphio, Andy, and Donna rush to Tom, while Ben rushes to Leslie. 

Right then, a triumphant and gruff yell rings through the air. “I made it! Ron wins!”

Ben chooses to ignore that. He looks down at Leslie. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah. I think the alcohol is kind of an anesthetic, so I’m just a little bruised maybe. That jabroni fell and took me with him,” she says groggily.

“Jabroni?” Ben questions.

“Yeah. I say it sometimes when I dronk. Drunk. Drink. That’s it,” She says almost dreamily.

“Ahhh,” Ben replies, drowsily. “Can you get up?”

“I can get up, but this ground is pretty comfy.” 

“We’ll see about that.” Ben lays on the ground. It is pretty comfy, except for the root under his shoulder. He looks up, hoping to see stars, but instead sees Ron and April descending from the tree. 

April reaches the ground. Ron falls out of a low branch, landing with a thud. “I win!” Ron spits. “You all owe me a quarter!”

A broken up chorus of voices responds, “No! It’s a nickel!”

“Fine. What’s this?” Ron says, gesturing at Tom, Leslie, and Ben.

Donna speaks up, “Tom and Leslie fell. I’m not sure what this little thief is up to.”

“Thief?” Ben asks as he sits up.

“Yes thief. I saw you grab my keys during your grand escape.”

“Oh right. I forgot,” Ben says as he fumbles around his pockets, looking for the keys. He finds them and tosses them. He misses Donna by about a yard. “Sorry,” he says from his vulnerable spot on the ground.

Luckily for Ben, Donna decides not to stomp on Ben, instead heading to her left to grab her keys from the ground. “Really, little man? That’s your aim?”

“I’ll have you know I played shortstop on my JV baseball team! Also I just drank like five...teen snakes juice.”

Eventually, everyone gets up off the ground and makes their way to Donna’s car. The group piles into the Benz, after strapping Jerry, who is now missing both shoes, to the roof of the car. 

//

Donna starts the car and begins the drive to Jerry’s house. The group lazily yells to stop at every store and restaurant they pass, but Donna ignores them. They don’t need to make a mess of a Food N Stuff at four in the morning. 

After everyone is dropped off. Donna sits in her driveway with her head in her hands. She makes herself a promise before heading into her house: This is the last time she’ll ever be the sober one in this group.


End file.
